Apocalypse
by Artemisdesari
Summary: Castiel's thoughts during 4.22.


_I watched Lucifer Rising and then my internet died, utterly, for three whole days. I'm a bit behind on getting this out but I did it. I knew Cas would come through for us in the end!_

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own them, I have convention tickets, a J2 sandwich ticket and a Misha photo op, please don't sue me, I sold my soul for these!_

_Dedicated to all the girls on The Thread, they know who they are._

Apocalypse.

It was time to bring Dean to the safe house, the white room where he would be held until such a time as he was needed. A place to lock him away as close to heaven as they could get him without killing him. Time to tell him that it was all for his sake, his safety, time to feed him the lie and hope that he would believe it. Time for Castiel to prove to his superiors that he was the good soldier still in the face of the demands of his charge, a task and the lie that tore at his soul and ate away at the heart that he should not have possessed and never dared to recognise. It was time to allow the human reign over the Earth to end.

Castiel could not pretend that he would mourn the loss of the world as the humans knew it, with all of the darkness there and the suffering, the things that the humans did to one another of their own free will that was sometimes worse than the things that the demons did in their place. With all of the torment that they suffered in life, all of the pain that they inflicted and the multitude of sins committed by so many that Hell's army had far superior numbers, numbers that Castiel's superiors were certain that they would over come with relative ease. Superiors who had opened the angel's eyes to the idea that there was so little in the world that was left that was worth saving. No matter the orders of his Father, to watch over and protect and guide His most favoured children, all that Castiel saw was pain and hate and suffering, nothing that needed to be saved, nothing that he wanted to save.

He could not deny, however, that lying to Dean was not the way that he had thought that this should be done. Protect him, certainly, but protect him on Earth and lead him away from the seal as much as was possible, keep him away until he would be too late to stop it. Castiel knew Dean well enough to know that Zachariah's plan was flawed, severely flawed and that keeping Dean away from his brother by force would only drive the man that much harder to find a way back to Earth and back to his brother, would only push him hard enough for him to discover the truth behind the actions of the angelic superiors.

Dean was a puzzle, no matter the number of interactions that they had experienced over their year together, the man remained an enigma. So much torment, and yet he seemed incapable of taking a step back, like he needed to throw himself into battle time and again to prove to himself that he was alive and still kicking. The deeply ingrained desire to joke when he was worried, to hide the fear and pain that he was always experiencing, the way that he was willfully ignorant of the way that they could simply sift through his mind and gain what they needed from him. A man so eager to fight, if only so that he could have a chance to redeem himself in the eyes of whatever higher power watched over him. A man without faith or belief no matter what he had seen in his life and in the last year. A man who thrived on chaos and disorder and unrecognised heroism. In short, a man completely unsuited to the paradise that he would be rewarded with.

Zachariah had thought that the vow of obedience that Castiel had been ordered to take from Dean would make him more easily controlled, make him question less the words that came from the lips of the higher angel's vessel. Castiel knew that it would simply serve to make Dean appear more difficult, because Dean obeyed without question only when it suited him. This was a time when it did not suit Dean to simply obey, something that Castiel had been certain would hold true, much to the disgruntlement of Zachariah and after Castiel reported that Dean was insistent on seeing Sam, his superior had decided that perhaps Dean should be made aware of the truth. Castiel disagreed, but kept the thought to himself. Better that Dean be ignorant and a little upset, than aware and wrathful, because another thing that Castiel did not doubt was that Dean would find a way to Sam if he knew about the consequence of Sam's chosen course. Castiel wished it could be different, wished that he was not afraid.

It had come as no surprise to the angel that Dean had been upset by the words of Zachariah, Castiel was not naive enough to believe that Dean would be pleased with the news, despite the angel's obvious naivety in other areas. Still, his soul hurt and his eyes could not meet the pained ones of his charge, could not allow the man who had always been so uncomfortable under his unwavering gaze, see that he was hurting, confused and pained by the thought of leaving the humans to die at the hands of Lucifer. Castiel doubted. He doubted that they could win against the Morning Star's hoards, but he also feared and that fear brought anger forth for the first time, anger at Dean, anger at the Heavenly Host but most of all, anger at himself. Anger for being afraid, anger for doubting, for wishing that he could save the humans and for wanting the one man stood in front of him to believe in him. The dismissal hurt, far more than anything that Heaven had done to him for his attempt at disobedience and it made him certain of one thing. Dean had lost faith in him and Castiel had fled.

The words that Dean uttered in his desperation had struck something in Castiel, struck deeper than any physical blow ever could. Dean had said that they were done. The angel decided that they most certainly were not. Because someone at the top was wrong, someone at the top wanted the world to be brought to its knees and the sins of humanity purged, whether they all deserved it or not, and this time they were not going to descend and take the faithful, they were not going to give fair warning so that those who tried to live pure lives could find a way to fight or hide, they were simply going to allow them to be slaughtered. Jimmy no longer had a say in the matter, in fact, Castiel kept him fairly quite and near unconscious these days, after he had started to call the angel every name on God's Earth when he had realised the information that he had kept from the Winchesters. There was a temptation to ask the man within what to do, ask his advice as he had once in the past, but he knew what the human would say, knew that Jimmy had family on Earth who would be in danger if the apocalypse came. Somewhere in his musings, Castiel realised that he had decided that he would help Dean, he would try to prevent the apocalypse even if it meant the loss of his own life.

The loss of his life, that loss would be worth it if he could help Dean, if he could save Dean, though whether from himself or from the clutches of Castiel's superiors the angel could not be certain, only certain that the time was rapidly approaching when it would be too late to act. He had to act, act before Dean took the food offered and signed himself irretrievably to Heaven. Dean's breath was warm against his hand, soft, worried, eyes wide with first fear, then hooded with understanding. The bite of the knife was sharp, the clearest feeling that he had experienced, clearer than the punch that Dean had thrown at him earlier that night, it brought all that he was planning on doing into sharper focus, but he did not waver, did not falter, not even when Zachariah's suspicions had been aroused and drawn him to the room, because Dean was right, Castiel knew it and that was all that mattered.

As he stood in the cluttered kitchen, with only the presence of the nervous prophet at his side and the lingering feel of Dean's soul near his own, wishing that it could be otherwise, that he could face this threat with Dean's solid form and determination at his side. As light, blinding, intense and terrible, floods over them, Castiel knows that his death will be worth it, if only so that Dean had been given that chance to save Sam, save the seal and save the world.

When the light goes out, and Castiel is left alone with the prophet he knows that they failed, knows that he is to be hunted and that he cannot stay.

They failed.

Lucifer Rises.

_Reviews are little Castiels that fly above our heads and mini Deans under the bed. A small Sam in hand and a tiny John by the chair, a review that can show how much you care._

_Artemis_


End file.
